When I was reading Chapter 7 in Let.It.Go, it really hit my how all my YUCKY can spill out if I’m not filling myself with God’s goodness. I have fallen victim from this spill of toxicity more times than I’d like to admit(I’m not alone here right?) Interruptions, oh those were no good. Delays, I can feel the tension rising. Crisis!?!!, are you serious? So, I am trying to live life more intentionally with a joy and contentment of the things I already have and finding more happiness than I have ever known.
Let’s back up a little while though.
My oldest child graduated a couple years ago. That was difficult to deal with. Then she decided to join the Navy, I was very proud of her, but it was still hard for a mom’s heart to let go. So, I was working full time, and with my oldest leaving home and 2 other teenagers at home I decided to take a break for a while.
Now, her date to go to bootcamp was Nov. 22. Yes, just before Thanksgiving and she would be gone for some big holidays. So we did Thanksgiving early, and there were tears and all that family stuff. It was rough not having her home for real Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. And in case you have not had someone in the military in your family, bootcamp is a snail mail communication thing. There is no cell phones. They call you when they get there, you get a box of their clothes and other belongings in the mail, and hopefully a week or 2 after that you get an actual address. IF they are good they get phone calls.
During that time, I quit smoking(yes I know, bad habit, so yucky, etc. etc. please don’t judge-I did quit and God gave me strength to do it) I figured if my child was going without things so could I. We went to visit her when she graduated. Seriously, a COSTLY trip to get to see her for less than 24 hours. The ceremony is amazing, and I know she needed to see us, but it put a big dent in the pocketbook. Then she was off to A school(training) in Pensacola.
I had gotten back into a church, and was really trying to refocus on my faith at this time. And boy did attacks come. My daughter got shin splints and was not able to do the training for the job she signed up for. Then she was in this kind of limbo. I will not get into too much of my feelings on the proceedings after that, but I find them questionable. So, daughter came back in June.
During this time we also invited my hubby’s uncle to live with us, so he could be closer to family and save to get a better place to live. He unfortunately lost his home due to several issues with the mortgage and housing market going down! So now we have oldest back AND uncle her. The stress is piling on.
My mood kept getting uglier. You think “oh, maybe I’m just getting older.” Maybe it’s just a little stress and I should chill. blah blah blah. I would feel rage that was almost uncontrollable. I lashed out at my family. I would cry at the stupidest things, and not a couple tears, it was sobbing.
Finally a friend asked me if I was depressed. Oh no, I’m fine just a little stressed, no biggie. But the more I thought about it, the more the lightbulb went on. I know it’s not for everybody, but I did go on medication. I feel much more even keel.(Again, please don’t judge, it is working for me and I can function without the explosions)
Without the distractions from being so emotional, I was able to let so much of the toxic go. I was able to draw close to God and see things more clearly and LET IT GO! I am able to put my emotions in His hands, and let Him help me deal with them. I can fill up on the sweetness of the Holy Spirit and have that spill out to others. I want to be that person Karen said from Luke 6:45, a good person producing good things from the treasury of a good heart. I was so tired of being foul, angry, bitter, sad, empty and wanting. And it wasn’t so much a “schedule”, just life in general.
I know the enemy wanted to keep me down. My emotions was a pretty sneaky attack, but through God, prayer and the love of my family, I have learned to not be that iScream Mom. I have learned to be a mom that can turn to God when I am frustrated. I have learned to give grace and mercy. I am filling up my treasury with good things, so that I spill out bits of God when I get bumped and not bits of evil.